Nothing in life is constant...Friends especially..I have come to realise that change is a way of life and this change includes making new friends and letting go of the old ones,everything without regret..I once cried aaaat the thought of leeting my then best friend go..I wasted good time and energy,it wasnt worth the effort coz soon she would have betrayed me and broken the friendship itself..I feared that I would never trust again,but so weak is the human heart that it takes a chance solely out of fear of being left alone..That chance,I m afraid was a big mistake too and left me with a far bigger dent in the heart and mind..I was growing up and I had to learn to be practical but it was hard facing the fact that you could trust no one around you..Its unfair to the people who are actually devoted to you but how do you filter past all the undesirable components thrown your way..I must be one stubborn mule coz I make the same mistake over and over again,maybe a lil more wiser everytime and slowly I have been able to erect a wall arnd myself..Close friends,brothers,everyone gets so wrapped up in their lives that they forget you somewhere down the line..So is it worth it that you still treasure them in your hearts??Expect nothing ,this is easier said than done..how can you not expect when you invest so much of your own emotions with them..But I dont know why,lately I have come to realise that I too have become like that,leaving people behind has become much easier but still not as easy..How many more such people do I need to face to become absolutely oblivious to what meaning of friendship truely is..

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had everything a child dat age might desire..Her parents doted on her,fulfilled all her wishes,did everything in their capacity to keep d smile on her face....She was surrounded by loving relatives most of the times,had her room full of beautiful dolls and a dollhouse,pretty frocks with lots of beads and laces on them,beautifully illustrated books and all kinds of toys possible...But she was lonely all the time,restless for she had everything except for maybe a playmate..She loved lil children specially one baby girl but her sister wud always shoo her away....She cudnt understand why some children made fun of her while others treated her wid vague disinterest..Since she was always used to being d cynosure of her family's eyes she cudnt understand their behavior....Quite emotional most of the times,she wud cry easily,sometimes to attract attention and sometimes genuinely because she felt so alone..But that smile wud always be there on her face while her parents and others were around..the smile never left her even when d taunting and jeering made her heart cry out..nobody cud see it..then one day she met 3 wonderful people ,lil girls some yers elder to her..They welcomed her into their lives and made her feel like a part of "something"..the lil girl experienced the first "happy time" of her life..But happy moments dont last long as her parents had to move soon after, to a place meaner and bigger .
The lil girl had just stepped into her teens now and while her maturity was not a day above 6,she was no longer considered to be a lil kid anymore.She was determined not to make d same mistakes dat had alienated her frm others of her age before but she didnt know what those mistakes were..Some are born wid maturity , some learn wid time and a very few others who dont learn anything until they get into a bad mess and those rare ones who do it agn and agn and end up being hurt and confused..That lil girl was amongst the last type..She still lived in her fantasy world,dreamt of being liked by everyone..She always hoped that sooner or later someone wud give her a break ..But noone ever did..Her innocence made her appear foolish and naive to others,they thought they cud use her every now and den..but she kept d smile and kept moving one adding layers inside till slowly her real self became buried and she didnt knw herself nymore.She confided in a grl who she thought as d best thing dat ever happened to her..told her all her woes,trusted wid all her heart..and den one day d lil girl fell in love.her very first..and from dat day He meant the world to her..With him she gained d confidence she thought she didnt have..True she wasnt an ugly child but she was no beauty either..He taught her how to ove herself,develop a self esteem.All this time she went farther away from her parents..She didnt trust them anymore and chose her friends above them..She was becoming popular, d only thing she ever wanted,had d one guy she cared about..she was happy..Then oneday d unthinkable happened.Her world came crashing when her best friend and her love broke her heart beyond repair..And from that day she lost her confidence,her self esteem..She receeded back in d shell dat had always protected her and refused to feel anything..still she didnt share her pain wid anyone...everything including her dreams were affected,she didnt knw what she wanted anymore..
D lil girl was a lil girl nomore..She had buried dat lil grl deep inside her...Now a young adult she wud soon have to leave home for college..She didnt want to live wid her parents anymore,she had become a selfish woman,trusted no one.And den the place she chose to run away from the world gave her d biggest surprise in her life..for the first time she felt like she belonged somewhere..she no longer felt like a freak but like all d other girls wid her..dat place became her home...She gained back her self esteem and her confidence..She was no longer taunted and instead found her natural abilities of a leader..while she thought she was helping others like her,she discovered herself..Trust was something dat took a lil more time..She realised d value of her parents and most importantly she found her aim in life..though hostel had its share of some horrible devastating experiences,she always found her way out of it..She was learning to trust herself first..She did fall in love again and dat brought out dat lil grl out wid disastrous results once again..She realised that now she was a young woman and no one will tolerate that lil kid anymore..But Now she has accepted it..d lil grl and d young woman r now one..Dat lil kid sometimes protects d young woman.Its not like she doesnt know d darker side of human nature but sometimes its better not knowing things..She is now no longer a freckled,shy wallflower who was always eager to please people..She is now a beautiful young woman wid eys towards her goal..she no longer feels unattractive and unwanted..She now knows what she must do..And though she doesnt yet want to grow up,she knows she has to and she is taking her time,enjoyin every moment..She believes in her family and frnds again and knows dat she will love again one day too..

No matter how hard you try to escape the past it always catches up wid you..jst when u think you can start trusting again time proves you wrong again..
you see life is like this complex maze,jst when you think you have figured it all ,all you may reach is a dead end...so thats d way my state of mind is right now..
True, I have been blessed with many wid many helping hands,sometimes they came from a person I least expected and at times when I almost gave up....One very matured and practical person tried to make me see wherI erred..he told me to grow up and see d world as it is(not thru rose colored glasses)..he told me to come out of my dream world and be realistic..he taught me to love and trust myself again...he was there always..i jst couldnt see it and in d end I jst pushed him away frm me by my actions and only after I lost him did realisation dawn on me..but it was too late...I have always done dis..pushed away my parents,my first love,my best friends..anyone who ever came close enough to help me..I always thought I cud handle it..I tried really hard to heal,to change,to move on but all my past actions come back to haunt me,all d past hurt and d pain resurfaced...and one tiny incident triggered evrythin....I came face to face wid someone I thought I had removed every traces off from my existence and den he did something dat brought every emotion bak...he smiled..and dat was it.....d one time I really need all d support I cud get I was deserted by d very people I trusted most..tell me how do I trust coz everytime I do I get hurt...and how do I beg forgiveness from those I hav hurt ,frm those I have disappointed..If only one cud turn bak time

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Its 3 am..i cant sleep..I believe its insomnia that has been giving me so many sleepless nights..Dark...lonely nights ,with a feeling of desolate desperation..What causes this feeling?..I have thought over this time and time again but never reached a satisfactory conclusion...
sometimes d feeling of frustration deepens as I am faced with a cruel,cold and practical reality that at the end of the day i am still alone..the pain that this face hides and d darkening emotions can only be understood by that lonely heart..what makes me talk like this? I can never fathom the reason..But time after time this feeling dogs me,haunts me and then again I start searching for those elusive answers to the questions I ask myself..how does one find pleasure in someone else's pain?..Why r they so bothered about whats goin on in someone elses's life? why dont they go away ,find new victims..How do you fight the darkness trying to surface? How do you control your darker side when they start weighing heavily on your other side..Is it really d darker side or is it being just "human"? How do you handle the pain threatening to tear you apart, when d music is blaring at eardrum splitting level and yet u cant hear a thing...something is gone, something that was once called "innocence"..Things refuse to leave my mind,its like moving pictures in my head..Its so much easier to just run away,bury the pain,replace d pain with numbness. .My friend asked me why my blog always has such depressing stuff...I didnt have an answer then but I have one now..its because thats d strongest emotion.. Happy moments are like mirages..they disappear if you get too close.. But the pain remains.. D memories remain...d hollowness increases threatening to swallow you completely...smothering you...leaving you cold…..and the worst part is that there is no one you can turn to except for yourself…that’s the reason you recede deeper into the shell that you create around you…This hypocritical,shallow,cold world is creeping me out…The more I fight against it the crueler it becomes..Friends turn foes, lovers turn strangers…The meaning of emotions,relationships change in a minute.. There is no such thing as “true love”.. Its an elusion and if you make the folly then you pay , pay with everything you have got, with the last shred of emotion left in you..It takes away your smile,that glint in your eyes..
“Hope” is what idiots do and optimists are brain dead.. Don’t evr let yourself be the victim here..let go of the thoughts,d memories..nothing is worth holding onto..nothing..specially memories which pain you.. and not forgetting that you will always have yourself to support you,to see you through all the phases of life..you will never lie to yourself,never cheat,never leave you alone when you are down and out ..once you see things this way then being alone wont seem so bad.....

17 th MARCH,2007:: For most people it was just another day but for me dis day had special significance..It was my bday..My days of being a teenager had officially ended...I had mixed feelings which were quite evident from my initial reluctance to get up in d morning..i didnt want dis day to start..I forcibly closed my eyes and refused to budge despite my mom's earnest requests..All this time too much was going inside my head and I didnt have d energy to formulate my emotions and thoughts..
I felt old..suddenly it dawned on me that I cud never go back to my careless childish ways.Everything was strangely exciting and scary both at d same time.I know my responsibilities hav increased but so has my reluctance to acknowledge I hav finally grown up.I even knew why it scared me so much.I am an only child..i hav to play d role of both son and daughter and sometimes i wonder whether I wud be able to fulfill d promise I made to my parents and more importantly to myself.
20 long years..come to think of it ,it has passed so quickly..I have come a long way,learnt a lot from people I never expected to learn anything from,made and lost close friends,lost loved ones...Every one I came in contact with taught me something in varying proportions..I cant say that life has always been a very smooth road,rather quite a rocky one at times but everytime I managed to stay right on d track and come out stronger and unscalded from any situation.It changed me,a lot of my innocence has been lost in the process..sometimes I regret it, regret that all this has changed me way too much but I guess I have to accept them as a part of life..being bitter abt it will never solve any problems.
The whole day I got flooded wid phone calls and scraps(400.. dat made we really happy)..It felt wonder ful to know that people remembered...everyone asked me how I was feeling...I said it felt gr8 which wasnt d truth...but wud nyone understand if I said I didnt feel a thing...
The rest of d day passed rather quicker than I wud have liked it to..But i spend it wid my parents..for them I wud be their"little girl "...Oh dad!I wish I could tell you that ur lil grl has grown up now and she is going to make you real proud of her one day...I know I hav hardly seen anything yet and I know I will make plenty of mistakes still and I know my ordeals have just begun but I dont care ..the time has come when I need to shoulder my responsibilities and make them proud..

LIFE IS A FARCE
They say freak
when u r singled out.
Lay down coz
the pain is real.

when ur eyes
go red again.
Is there no way
u can contain.

or sleep away to
clear ur minds
when everyone else
is gone

make it show
when truth creeps into most
and send d pain where it is almost
impossible to even feel.

though u r not d only one
broken is what u feel.
the time has come to get up and get goin
coz pain's goin nowhere.

u will run and u will hide
coz dats what i did 2
but when life comes full circle
even death is not an escapee

and in d end this pain is all dat u hav left

FOR all U smokers out there....U think ur consumin a cigaretter...Well think again

Through the eyes of a dying girl

I wake up every morning with a dread and go to sleep with that dread and the thought is always the same "will i live to see the daylight tomorrow." I often thought what crime i might have committed to deserve this or its just God punishing me for some mistakes i might have made in my previous lives. I look outside and could feel the warmth of the sunlight streaming through my windows and the birds chirping on the window sill,everywhere i looked i saw people smiling,laughing for no apparent reason .The wind blew a feather and it settled on my lap.I took a closer look and blew at it again and watched it fly from one place to another looking for a place where it could finally take shelter.My thoughts were disturbed when my parents came in with my food.The doctor had said I need to be fed with extra care,i dont understand why nybody cud make their child eat those boiled green vegetables which closely resembled slime.They were tryin to smile but it never reached their eyes.All the dreams dat they had for me and all of mine i shared with them were slowly dissolving and there was nothing they could do about it.I was having that empty feeling once again...Those first things i had dreamt of,my graduation ceremony,my first day at college,my first kiss,my first boyfriend,my first job and all d things i wanted to buy for my parents with my first salary and many other firsts where never to take place.The things that i did with my dad ,helping and messing his stuff all d time and helping mom around the kitchen,bickering and fighting on small things ,trying to ascertain my rights and beliefs.There are things which i regret having done and there are so many things i want to do.But the truth is ,no matter how much i deny, it will never happen for me.But i wish life goes on for my parents who without ny fault will bear d biggest pain ,who took care frm d very instant i was born,gave me courage to face trouble and supported me always through d highs and lows.I feel so tired ,my whole body battered with d chemos and now even d doctor taking pity on my plight told my parents that chemo was useless now...i feel a strange peace as if i am floating away.i close my eyes and can almost see hands beckoning me.Maybe its time i let go and then i finally sleep

Feels like i m dyin

u ask me wats hurtin,
i dont know whether
its my heart or my ego,
i find myself facin all
d pain all over agn

u ask me d reason
but i cant tell
coz i feel so tired
dat even words
dont find ny space.

u tell me to stop
but how can i,
got no control over
my feelings and
its killing me now.

u tell me to
get over it
but i cant
i wud then hav to
get over my life.

so there is no reason
why u shd keep tellin
me all this,
things dat i allready know
and it feels like i am dyin

Nobody Cares bother why bother she is jst another face does it matter if she looks so sad? does it matter if she's cryin? does it matter to u what goes behind dat face? d pain she hides d pain which tears her inside.. there is no one to hear her voice why shd nybody who does she thnk she is, she is a nobody. she keeps pretences, puts up a stony face but its her eyes which betray her. dont look inside u will drown in d endless depths. everyday those hopeful eyes look for a miracle to happen. lookin for a ray of light in d sea of darkness. what mysterious forces make dis happen. she wonders why so much misery falls in her lap.. but lets not bother, why bother ? she is just another face