Another one of my theories
Love can bring a proud man to his knees. Love can get you to do unimaginable tasks .It can make you build a castle or it can also destroy proper nations. Causing more harm than good,what good can come when your rationality is clouded by dis potent drug..Relentess pain in lonely nights can never go away for when pain starts to fill your mind it is not long before it takes your heart too.
I too wanted(read WANT) a storybook love story but not like one of those happy ending ones or a typical Shakespearean tragedies. Life isn’t black or white neither it is unhappiness or over d top happiness all the time so I want my story to have its ups and downs and the ending left to us to decide. I want a life where all the tears I shed only deepen the realization of happiness of all the thing I have. Not so wrong in indulging a bit of fantasies but when your dreamland coincides with the REAL world the end result is ntn bt utter confusion..You end up wanting a lot more but at the same time the feeling that you might not get anything remains with you.
I don’t understand how our ancestors(or maybe it was jst in the books) could love one person throughout till d end of their lives. For us no matter how much we loved,we still manage to move on to the next person,maybe heart doesn’t heal completely but it learns to jump from one to another.Hence the concept of my first love is the only love has long become a fascinating myth(yeah yeah serial and movies still thrive on it).I for that matter have gone through 3 such loves and uncountable number of crushes..I have lost my first love(painful),second and third(most painful).I haven’t ever forgotten any one of them..I also achieved the task of being someone else’s first love and I also hurt them..Did that make me feel avenged for pain caused to me..NOPES..Did it heal my permanently shattered heart?.BIG NO and the foolish heart still looks forward for the next love albeit more cautiously (Dang these stupid movies still ignite a flicker of hope in the hearts of the weary that maybe happy endings r a possibility)..I refuse to belive that even the biggest cynic is an exception to the above theory..
Which one are you? Do you have the guts to speak the truth or follow your heart??

The wound that woudnt heal
even though I once thought our love was never ending
I had to face the fact it was all a lie
you were an illusion right from the start
I was blindfolded and thought u wer always beside me

You could neversee me but I was always right ther
waiting for you to cry but the tears were all mine
I never wanted it to be this way
and bore all the pain hoping it will pass away

I was rotting in the shadows damaged beyond repair
Now I cant find me no matter where I look
all I find is broken dreams and a trampled heart
and bloodied remains of a "has been"

Silent tears and now I have nothing left to lose
even anger and hatred cant justify the existenz anymore
this recurring nightmare drags on for days
more vivid in this forced consciousness

Nothing in life is constant...Friends especially..I have come to realise that change is a way of life and this change includes making new friends and letting go of the old ones,everything without regret..I once cried aaaat the thought of leeting my then best friend go..I wasted good time and energy,it wasnt worth the effort coz soon she would have betrayed me and broken the friendship itself..I feared that I would never trust again,but so weak is the human heart that it takes a chance solely out of fear of being left alone..That chance,I m afraid was a big mistake too and left me with a far bigger dent in the heart and mind..I was growing up and I had to learn to be practical but it was hard facing the fact that you could trust no one around you..Its unfair to the people who are actually devoted to you but how do you filter past all the undesirable components thrown your way..I must be one stubborn mule coz I make the same mistake over and over again,maybe a lil more wiser everytime and slowly I have been able to erect a wall arnd myself..Close friends,brothers,everyone gets so wrapped up in their lives that they forget you somewhere down the line..So is it worth it that you still treasure them in your hearts??Expect nothing ,this is easier said than done..how can you not expect when you invest so much of your own emotions with them..But I dont know why,lately I have come to realise that I too have become like that,leaving people behind has become much easier but still not as easy..How many more such people do I need to face to become absolutely oblivious to what meaning of friendship truely is..

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had everything a child dat age might desire..Her parents doted on her,fulfilled all her wishes,did everything in their capacity to keep d smile on her face....She was surrounded by loving relatives most of the times,had her room full of beautiful dolls and a dollhouse,pretty frocks with lots of beads and laces on them,beautifully illustrated books and all kinds of toys possible...But she was lonely all the time,restless for she had everything except for maybe a playmate..She loved lil children specially one baby girl but her sister wud always shoo her away....She cudnt understand why some children made fun of her while others treated her wid vague disinterest..Since she was always used to being d cynosure of her family's eyes she cudnt understand their behavior....Quite emotional most of the times,she wud cry easily,sometimes to attract attention and sometimes genuinely because she felt so alone..But that smile wud always be there on her face while her parents and others were around..the smile never left her even when d taunting and jeering made her heart cry out..nobody cud see it..then one day she met 3 wonderful people ,lil girls some yers elder to her..They welcomed her into their lives and made her feel like a part of "something"..the lil girl experienced the first "happy time" of her life..But happy moments dont last long as her parents had to move soon after, to a place meaner and bigger .
The lil girl had just stepped into her teens now and while her maturity was not a day above 6,she was no longer considered to be a lil kid anymore.She was determined not to make d same mistakes dat had alienated her frm others of her age before but she didnt know what those mistakes were..Some are born wid maturity , some learn wid time and a very few others who dont learn anything until they get into a bad mess and those rare ones who do it agn and agn and end up being hurt and confused..That lil girl was amongst the last type..She still lived in her fantasy world,dreamt of being liked by everyone..She always hoped that sooner or later someone wud give her a break ..But noone ever did..Her innocence made her appear foolish and naive to others,they thought they cud use her every now and den..but she kept d smile and kept moving one adding layers inside till slowly her real self became buried and she didnt knw herself nymore.She confided in a grl who she thought as d best thing dat ever happened to her..told her all her woes,trusted wid all her heart..and den one day d lil girl fell in love.her very first..and from dat day He meant the world to her..With him she gained d confidence she thought she didnt have..True she wasnt an ugly child but she was no beauty either..He taught her how to ove herself,develop a self esteem.All this time she went farther away from her parents..She didnt trust them anymore and chose her friends above them..She was becoming popular, d only thing she ever wanted,had d one guy she cared about..she was happy..Then oneday d unthinkable happened.Her world came crashing when her best friend and her love broke her heart beyond repair..And from that day she lost her confidence,her self esteem..She receeded back in d shell dat had always protected her and refused to feel anything..still she didnt share her pain wid anyone...everything including her dreams were affected,she didnt knw what she wanted anymore..
D lil girl was a lil girl nomore..She had buried dat lil grl deep inside her...Now a young adult she wud soon have to leave home for college..She didnt want to live wid her parents anymore,she had become a selfish woman,trusted no one.And den the place she chose to run away from the world gave her d biggest surprise in her life..for the first time she felt like she belonged somewhere..she no longer felt like a freak but like all d other girls wid her..dat place became her home...She gained back her self esteem and her confidence..She was no longer taunted and instead found her natural abilities of a leader..while she thought she was helping others like her,she discovered herself..Trust was something dat took a lil more time..She realised d value of her parents and most importantly she found her aim in life..though hostel had its share of some horrible devastating experiences,she always found her way out of it..She was learning to trust herself first..She did fall in love again and dat brought out dat lil grl out wid disastrous results once again..She realised that now she was a young woman and no one will tolerate that lil kid anymore..But Now she has accepted it..d lil grl and d young woman r now one..Dat lil kid sometimes protects d young woman.Its not like she doesnt know d darker side of human nature but sometimes its better not knowing things..She is now no longer a freckled,shy wallflower who was always eager to please people..She is now a beautiful young woman wid eys towards her goal..she no longer feels unattractive and unwanted..She now knows what she must do..And though she doesnt yet want to grow up,she knows she has to and she is taking her time,enjoyin every moment..She believes in her family and frnds again and knows dat she will love again one day too..

No matter how hard you try to escape the past it always catches up wid you..jst when u think you can start trusting again time proves you wrong again..
you see life is like this complex maze,jst when you think you have figured it all ,all you may reach is a dead end...so thats d way my state of mind is right now..
True, I have been blessed with many wid many helping hands,sometimes they came from a person I least expected and at times when I almost gave up....One very matured and practical person tried to make me see wherI erred..he told me to grow up and see d world as it is(not thru rose colored glasses)..he told me to come out of my dream world and be realistic..he taught me to love and trust myself again...he was there always..i jst couldnt see it and in d end I jst pushed him away frm me by my actions and only after I lost him did realisation dawn on me..but it was too late...I have always done dis..pushed away my parents,my first love,my best friends..anyone who ever came close enough to help me..I always thought I cud handle it..I tried really hard to heal,to change,to move on but all my past actions come back to haunt me,all d past hurt and d pain resurfaced...and one tiny incident triggered evrythin....I came face to face wid someone I thought I had removed every traces off from my existence and den he did something dat brought every emotion bak...he smiled..and dat was it.....d one time I really need all d support I cud get I was deserted by d very people I trusted most..tell me how do I trust coz everytime I do I get hurt...and how do I beg forgiveness from those I hav hurt ,frm those I have disappointed..If only one cud turn bak time

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Its 3 am..i cant sleep..I believe its insomnia that has been giving me so many sleepless nights..Dark...lonely nights ,with a feeling of desolate desperation..What causes this feeling?..I have thought over this time and time again but never reached a satisfactory conclusion...
sometimes d feeling of frustration deepens as I am faced with a cruel,cold and practical reality that at the end of the day i am still alone..the pain that this face hides and d darkening emotions can only be understood by that lonely heart..what makes me talk like this? I can never fathom the reason..But time after time this feeling dogs me,haunts me and then again I start searching for those elusive answers to the questions I ask myself..how does one find pleasure in someone else's pain?..Why r they so bothered about whats goin on in someone elses's life? why dont they go away ,find new victims..How do you fight the darkness trying to surface? How do you control your darker side when they start weighing heavily on your other side..Is it really d darker side or is it being just "human"? How do you handle the pain threatening to tear you apart, when d music is blaring at eardrum splitting level and yet u cant hear a thing...something is gone, something that was once called "innocence"..Things refuse to leave my mind,its like moving pictures in my head..Its so much easier to just run away,bury the pain,replace d pain with numbness. .My friend asked me why my blog always has such depressing stuff...I didnt have an answer then but I have one now..its because thats d strongest emotion.. Happy moments are like mirages..they disappear if you get too close.. But the pain remains.. D memories remain...d hollowness increases threatening to swallow you completely...smothering you...leaving you cold…..and the worst part is that there is no one you can turn to except for yourself…that’s the reason you recede deeper into the shell that you create around you…This hypocritical,shallow,cold world is creeping me out…The more I fight against it the crueler it becomes..Friends turn foes, lovers turn strangers…The meaning of emotions,relationships change in a minute.. There is no such thing as “true love”.. Its an elusion and if you make the folly then you pay , pay with everything you have got, with the last shred of emotion left in you..It takes away your smile,that glint in your eyes..
“Hope” is what idiots do and optimists are brain dead.. Don’t evr let yourself be the victim here..let go of the thoughts,d memories..nothing is worth holding onto..nothing..specially memories which pain you.. and not forgetting that you will always have yourself to support you,to see you through all the phases of life..you will never lie to yourself,never cheat,never leave you alone when you are down and out ..once you see things this way then being alone wont seem so bad.....