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Its 3 am..i cant sleep..I believe its insomnia that has been giving me so many sleepless nights..Dark...lonely nights ,with a feeling of desolate desperation..What causes this feeling?..I have thought over this time and time again but never reached a satisfactory conclusion...
sometimes d feeling of frustration deepens as I am faced with a cruel,cold and practical reality that at the end of the day i am still alone..the pain that this face hides and d darkening emotions can only be understood by that lonely heart..what makes me talk like this? I can never fathom the reason..But time after time this feeling dogs me,haunts me and then again I start searching for those elusive answers to the questions I ask myself..how does one find pleasure in someone else's pain?..Why r they so bothered about whats goin on in someone elses's life? why dont they go away ,find new victims..How do you fight the darkness trying to surface? How do you control your darker side when they start weighing heavily on your other side..Is it really d darker side or is it being just "human"? How do you handle the pain threatening to tear you apart, when d music is blaring at eardrum splitting level and yet u cant hear a thing...something is gone, something that was once called "innocence"..Things refuse to leave my mind,its like moving pictures in my head..Its so much easier to just run away,bury the pain,replace d pain with numbness. .My friend asked me why my blog always has such depressing stuff...I didnt have an answer then but I have one now..its because thats d strongest emotion.. Happy moments are like mirages..they disappear if you get too close.. But the pain remains.. D memories remain...d hollowness increases threatening to swallow you completely...smothering you...leaving you cold…..and the worst part is that there is no one you can turn to except for yourself…that’s the reason you recede deeper into the shell that you create around you…This hypocritical,shallow,cold world is creeping me out…The more I fight against it the crueler it becomes..Friends turn foes, lovers turn strangers…The meaning of emotions,relationships change in a minute.. There is no such thing as “true love”.. Its an elusion and if you make the folly then you pay , pay with everything you have got, with the last shred of emotion left in you..It takes away your smile,that glint in your eyes..
“Hope” is what idiots do and optimists are brain dead.. Don’t evr let yourself be the victim here..let go of the thoughts,d memories..nothing is worth holding onto..nothing..specially memories which pain you.. and not forgetting that you will always have yourself to support you,to see you through all the phases of life..you will never lie to yourself,never cheat,never leave you alone when you are down and out ..once you see things this way then being alone wont seem so bad.....

17 th MARCH,2007:: For most people it was just another day but for me dis day had special significance..It was my bday..My days of being a teenager had officially ended...I had mixed feelings which were quite evident from my initial reluctance to get up in d morning..i didnt want dis day to start..I forcibly closed my eyes and refused to budge despite my mom's earnest requests..All this time too much was going inside my head and I didnt have d energy to formulate my emotions and thoughts..
I felt old..suddenly it dawned on me that I cud never go back to my careless childish ways.Everything was strangely exciting and scary both at d same time.I know my responsibilities hav increased but so has my reluctance to acknowledge I hav finally grown up.I even knew why it scared me so much.I am an only child..i hav to play d role of both son and daughter and sometimes i wonder whether I wud be able to fulfill d promise I made to my parents and more importantly to myself.
20 long years..come to think of it ,it has passed so quickly..I have come a long way,learnt a lot from people I never expected to learn anything from,made and lost close friends,lost loved ones...Every one I came in contact with taught me something in varying proportions..I cant say that life has always been a very smooth road,rather quite a rocky one at times but everytime I managed to stay right on d track and come out stronger and unscalded from any situation.It changed me,a lot of my innocence has been lost in the process..sometimes I regret it, regret that all this has changed me way too much but I guess I have to accept them as a part of life..being bitter abt it will never solve any problems.
The whole day I got flooded wid phone calls and scraps(400.. dat made we really happy)..It felt wonder ful to know that people remembered...everyone asked me how I was feeling...I said it felt gr8 which wasnt d truth...but wud nyone understand if I said I didnt feel a thing...
The rest of d day passed rather quicker than I wud have liked it to..But i spend it wid my parents..for them I wud be their"little girl "...Oh dad!I wish I could tell you that ur lil grl has grown up now and she is going to make you real proud of her one day...I know I hav hardly seen anything yet and I know I will make plenty of mistakes still and I know my ordeals have just begun but I dont care ..the time has come when I need to shoulder my responsibilities and make them proud..

LIFE IS A FARCE
They say freak
when u r singled out.
Lay down coz
the pain is real.

when ur eyes
go red again.
Is there no way
u can contain.

or sleep away to
clear ur minds
when everyone else
is gone

make it show
when truth creeps into most
and send d pain where it is almost
impossible to even feel.

though u r not d only one
broken is what u feel.
the time has come to get up and get goin
coz pain's goin nowhere.

u will run and u will hide
coz dats what i did 2
but when life comes full circle
even death is not an escapee

and in d end this pain is all dat u hav left

FOR all U smokers out there....U think ur consumin a cigaretter...Well think again

Through the eyes of a dying girl

I wake up every morning with a dread and go to sleep with that dread and the thought is always the same "will i live to see the daylight tomorrow." I often thought what crime i might have committed to deserve this or its just God punishing me for some mistakes i might have made in my previous lives. I look outside and could feel the warmth of the sunlight streaming through my windows and the birds chirping on the window sill,everywhere i looked i saw people smiling,laughing for no apparent reason .The wind blew a feather and it settled on my lap.I took a closer look and blew at it again and watched it fly from one place to another looking for a place where it could finally take shelter.My thoughts were disturbed when my parents came in with my food.The doctor had said I need to be fed with extra care,i dont understand why nybody cud make their child eat those boiled green vegetables which closely resembled slime.They were tryin to smile but it never reached their eyes.All the dreams dat they had for me and all of mine i shared with them were slowly dissolving and there was nothing they could do about it.I was having that empty feeling once again...Those first things i had dreamt of,my graduation ceremony,my first day at college,my first kiss,my first boyfriend,my first job and all d things i wanted to buy for my parents with my first salary and many other firsts where never to take place.The things that i did with my dad ,helping and messing his stuff all d time and helping mom around the kitchen,bickering and fighting on small things ,trying to ascertain my rights and beliefs.There are things which i regret having done and there are so many things i want to do.But the truth is ,no matter how much i deny, it will never happen for me.But i wish life goes on for my parents who without ny fault will bear d biggest pain ,who took care frm d very instant i was born,gave me courage to face trouble and supported me always through d highs and lows.I feel so tired ,my whole body battered with d chemos and now even d doctor taking pity on my plight told my parents that chemo was useless now...i feel a strange peace as if i am floating away.i close my eyes and can almost see hands beckoning me.Maybe its time i let go and then i finally sleep

Feels like i m dyin

u ask me wats hurtin,
i dont know whether
its my heart or my ego,
i find myself facin all
d pain all over agn

u ask me d reason
but i cant tell
coz i feel so tired
dat even words
dont find ny space.

u tell me to stop
but how can i,
got no control over
my feelings and
its killing me now.

u tell me to
get over it
but i cant
i wud then hav to
get over my life.

so there is no reason
why u shd keep tellin
me all this,
things dat i allready know
and it feels like i am dyin

Nobody Cares bother why bother she is jst another face does it matter if she looks so sad? does it matter if she's cryin? does it matter to u what goes behind dat face? d pain she hides d pain which tears her inside.. there is no one to hear her voice why shd nybody who does she thnk she is, she is a nobody. she keeps pretences, puts up a stony face but its her eyes which betray her. dont look inside u will drown in d endless depths. everyday those hopeful eyes look for a miracle to happen. lookin for a ray of light in d sea of darkness. what mysterious forces make dis happen. she wonders why so much misery falls in her lap.. but lets not bother, why bother ? she is just another face