WEIRD THOUGHTS i HAD TO PEN DOWN

I feel like I m mummified alive
I can see but i cant feel
or maybe i m feeling too much
but this is not called comfortably numb
i feel my feet gettin cold yet i dnt seem to be to move them
i am trying to cry but i m simply canot
food doesnt seem to stay down
and i feel like sleeping all d time
buried under the covers
wont the days go by just like that
maybe someday i will wither and die under there
who thought living would be the toughest thing
they say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger
thats untrue..it does kill a part of u
after u have mourned d death for some time
you move on..nobody misses anythng for too long
only u knw wht u went thru
cry for some time and people will label you week
trick is to trick odrs into thinking ntn fazes u
people say good time follow bad times
its like saying you will be monetarily compensated for
everytime God flagged you for no reason..Karma they say that
you pay for your sins..Why do i have to pay for sins
of whose memory I dnt hold..why not make them pay when they
no they have had it coming..they say life wont be worth if you dint see
sorrow..Seeing sorrow just reduces what you expect from life.So whenever you
get something remotely good you feel happier,,So I guess God is becoming stingy with what
he gives us..YOu giveth but taketh away more.They why recreate,procreate into this world of
misery.They say men are just mere puppets of God..we serve only will.So then how are we the sinners
we are merely being played out. God must be fond of dramas..Cant I suggest he start watchin Ekta Kapoor's soaps then.He will get more material than playing out our lives for us..For millions
who live with their faith vested in God dont you know he is the key source of your pain .How
do you it as logic to ask for solution from the person who created trouble..Many of you might say
that I am being selfish and just because times are bad I curse him..No i dont curse him , I believe in him solely because in today's time ,when thr is sch a dearth of people to love and to believe,I find
peace in believing in dis mythical creator..maybe I feel he would read my blog and heal my pain..
Show a path ,A ray of hope

Everyday I have to endure a very tiring ,seemingly endless journey .MY only solace this long has been a house..STrange as it sounds,the architecture warms my heart..I probably cnt paint as pretty a picture as it seems in my mind.There is this glass dome shaped structure on the first floor where light hits at an angle which reminds me of the Musée du Louvre.Everyday I look forward to seeing it.IT was becoming a habit but the strange thing was that I would always avoid looking at it in the morning..Maybe instinct,maybe something else.MY curiosity finally won over so yesterday I made it a point to look at it.What I saw was what I had feared..The house was way ordinary amidst the long row of beautifully and tastefully done houses,white I have always considered to be a morose color and the paint was withering away..The glass dome was unclean dust ridden and also broken.Suddenly my only solace to the long lonely journeys was snatched away.IT was like Glass shattering..Just like dat my illusion shattered.
Lesson Learnt- If I compare it to relationships den this is wat I see.Relationships are beautiful until u continue ignoring the reality..Everything seems perfect from afar but closer you get there are chances of glass shattering and d shards injuring you..SO its upto you ,if you want a relationship,you must remain ignorant

I realise our minds are accustomed to makin perceptions about people when we first see them.Yes even if you might say its shallow to judge a person by the way he or she looks it will be the same you commenting on them.Ironic isnt it..

why do I care
when nobody looks my way

why are these tears
when rain will jst wash them away

branded in my heart
imprinted with the pain

I see through the looking glass
at the darker days ahead

logically I am brain dead
physically an empty shell

claimed by the sorrow
the beginning of dread.

Another one of my theories
Love can bring a proud man to his knees. Love can get you to do unimaginable tasks .It can make you build a castle or it can also destroy proper nations. Causing more harm than good,what good can come when your rationality is clouded by dis potent drug..Relentess pain in lonely nights can never go away for when pain starts to fill your mind it is not long before it takes your heart too.
I too wanted(read WANT) a storybook love story but not like one of those happy ending ones or a typical Shakespearean tragedies. Life isn’t black or white neither it is unhappiness or over d top happiness all the time so I want my story to have its ups and downs and the ending left to us to decide. I want a life where all the tears I shed only deepen the realization of happiness of all the thing I have. Not so wrong in indulging a bit of fantasies but when your dreamland coincides with the REAL world the end result is ntn bt utter confusion..You end up wanting a lot more but at the same time the feeling that you might not get anything remains with you.
I don’t understand how our ancestors(or maybe it was jst in the books) could love one person throughout till d end of their lives. For us no matter how much we loved,we still manage to move on to the next person,maybe heart doesn’t heal completely but it learns to jump from one to another.Hence the concept of my first love is the only love has long become a fascinating myth(yeah yeah serial and movies still thrive on it).I for that matter have gone through 3 such loves and uncountable number of crushes..I have lost my first love(painful),second and third(most painful).I haven’t ever forgotten any one of them..I also achieved the task of being someone else’s first love and I also hurt them..Did that make me feel avenged for pain caused to me..NOPES..Did it heal my permanently shattered heart?.BIG NO and the foolish heart still looks forward for the next love albeit more cautiously (Dang these stupid movies still ignite a flicker of hope in the hearts of the weary that maybe happy endings r a possibility)..I refuse to belive that even the biggest cynic is an exception to the above theory..
Which one are you? Do you have the guts to speak the truth or follow your heart??

The wound that woudnt heal
even though I once thought our love was never ending
I had to face the fact it was all a lie
you were an illusion right from the start
I was blindfolded and thought u wer always beside me

You could neversee me but I was always right ther
waiting for you to cry but the tears were all mine
I never wanted it to be this way
and bore all the pain hoping it will pass away

I was rotting in the shadows damaged beyond repair
Now I cant find me no matter where I look
all I find is broken dreams and a trampled heart
and bloodied remains of a "has been"

Silent tears and now I have nothing left to lose
even anger and hatred cant justify the existenz anymore
this recurring nightmare drags on for days
more vivid in this forced consciousness

Nothing in life is constant...Friends especially..I have come to realise that change is a way of life and this change includes making new friends and letting go of the old ones,everything without regret..I once cried aaaat the thought of leeting my then best friend go..I wasted good time and energy,it wasnt worth the effort coz soon she would have betrayed me and broken the friendship itself..I feared that I would never trust again,but so weak is the human heart that it takes a chance solely out of fear of being left alone..That chance,I m afraid was a big mistake too and left me with a far bigger dent in the heart and mind..I was growing up and I had to learn to be practical but it was hard facing the fact that you could trust no one around you..Its unfair to the people who are actually devoted to you but how do you filter past all the undesirable components thrown your way..I must be one stubborn mule coz I make the same mistake over and over again,maybe a lil more wiser everytime and slowly I have been able to erect a wall arnd myself..Close friends,brothers,everyone gets so wrapped up in their lives that they forget you somewhere down the line..So is it worth it that you still treasure them in your hearts??Expect nothing ,this is easier said than done..how can you not expect when you invest so much of your own emotions with them..But I dont know why,lately I have come to realise that I too have become like that,leaving people behind has become much easier but still not as easy..How many more such people do I need to face to become absolutely oblivious to what meaning of friendship truely is..